JACK SPARROW IN THE SEARCH FOR XANADU ! ! ! ! !
by The Tyrannicidal Imp
Summary: Alright guys, let's do this; I'm leaving my agent in charge of writing my debut, while I go into this s***storm of a fanfic to weedle out every little f***er that I can. If all goes according to plan, maybe I'll do another... for now, let's stop Jack Sparrow getting to whatever the hell Xanadu is.
1. OH NO

JACK SPARROW IN THE SEARCH FOR XANADU ! ! ! ! !

AFter viisitting the Fountain of Youth and all tose shennaniganses, (CaPtain!) Jack Sparrow went in search of mythical sity in Chinas called _XANADUn _(capittalized and lined for IMPORTANCE!) so that he could reap rewards of beneficials! (also to make the BLACK PEERL big again!(

He and Jibbs sailed on a wide plank to Mexico, where they becam GRINGOS. Mexican angry barristar named Enrique Formidabble threw Jack and Jibbs in JAIL! (Oh NO!) As evil central american barristar turned key in lock, he announced;

"Say good bye to freedom, ugly gringos!"

"THat's CAPTAIN ugly gringos to you!" Jack replied with raking dismissal.

But they were in DIRE STAITS! (love that band)! Jibbs thought all was lost and so dwank himself to death, but Jack restored him with CPR! They desided to hatch escape plan before trial would COMMENSE! (i want more exclam marks but FFNet wont allow it

They hatched devious plot that took weeks of palning and drinking of urine, before they set up plan:

"I wil cry 'LOOK EVERYONE ITS A MOTHERFUCKING EAGLE!'" Jack surmised with extraordinary wink "And you (Jibbs) will shoot Enrique with conealed pistol beforeb running to PANAMA!"

"PANAMA? PANAMA!" Jibbs rezponded with horror "BUT THEIR BE DEBTS UNPAID IN PANAMA"!

"I now," Jac kreplied "But dont owrry; I will pay them with JACKINISM!"

They drank urine and wated for trail to commense!

* * *

Meanwhile, across shifting sands and whirling seas, a glaring figure stood despondent and wrathful. With ornery stare and clenched fist, he turned his snout to the wind and coughed. It sounded like a choke.

"Fucking trolls," he hissed. "Fucking crappy writers, fucking Mary Sues, fucking all of them… this one won't escape my grasp."

He slipped below the waves, scythe in hand…

And began hunting.

* * *

(WHAT WILL HAPEN IN NEXT CHPTER? FIND OUT NEXT DAY!)


	2. TEH COURT OF KANGANROOS

THE TRIAL COMMENSED!

"AfTer perveewing the evidanse arrayed against you all1" Enrique Formidabble procalmed "I Find you both guilty of Being PIRATES!"

THE TRAIL ENDED!

"Doh, blast!" Jibbs cryed "Cap'n, showt for eagle!"

But Jack was to bizy grumbling under breth; "He didn't even say MY RANK! DAMN KANGAROOOS"!

"LOOK IT'S A MOTHERFCUKING EAGLE!" Jiibs cryed.

"Thats my line" Jack argued.

"HA!" Enriqe laughed with smile of slashing! "YOU SHAL NOT DIZTRACT ME WITH SIMPLE PLOY!"

SUDDENLY an eagle came down and took out enriques eye!

"AHHHH!"

"Quick jibbs, shoot him!" Jack cried, but Jibbs had dranks himself to death avgain at horrible sight of eye butchery, so jack had to revise him with CRP! They ran from courthouse as MExico began to UPROAR! FUROR BUILT WITH RIGHTEUOS EVIL AS MEXICANs LED BY ENRIQUE CHASSED JACK AND JIBB STO PANAMA!

"YOU SHALL NOT GET AWAY!" ENrique rored with anger as heroes got away! "GOD DAMMNIT!"

Enrique reported failure to Exican president who was mispleased!

"I will give you sceond chance Enrique!" president announced. "I will dispath my most excellan t assassin to go with you…"

Enrique turned around to look at assassin…

IT WAS WILL YURNER! :O


	3. NINETEEN EIGTHY FIVE

Jack and Jibbs made their way to PRIme Minster of Panama to request ship FOR **XANADU**!

"WHY should we help piratess?" Prime minster asked with knowledge.

"WE HATE MEXICO!" the pirates cryed.

"for that, we will not arresst you" the Prime minster allowed "But we will not give you a hsip."

"WHY not?" Jac kasked "We would fight yor Mexican enemys!"

"Its not as simple as that," Prime minster shook his head and heded over to window. He looked out over small kindgom.

"Our countrys, Panama, Mexcio and El Salvador hav been fighting for the past one hundred years! Two countrys sometimes ally to fight one, but never devfeat it before turning on one another. There has always been fighting, never-ending fightingg…"

"We can help stop it!" Jack cryed heroically.

Prime minster shook his head. "But thats the point; _we dont want it stopped! _We fight because otherswie the people will stop helping the war effort and see what bad rulers we are; they would REBEL! So we remain mutual antagonists to one another in order for our countrys to mantain stability!"

"what sad story," jibbs wept.

"why Not just be good rulers?" Jack asked.

"Because were evil dictators who like luxury; guards, throw them in JAIL!"

So Jack and Jibbs were thrown in jail with a pale of water.


	4. ITS OVER 9000 ! ! ! ! !

Will turner and Enrique formidabble arrived in Panama.

"WE MUST KILL THE PIRATES!" Enrique cried in resolution! (he wore an eyepatch because his eye had been taken out (remember? (it was in chapter 2))))

"I hate to kill Jack," will said with remose "But if it is to free by beloved Elizabeth, THEN I MSUT DO IT!"

"BLESS MY SOUL I COULDNT GIVE TOO SHITS!" Enrique cryed exacperated. "WEMUST KILL THE PIRATES!"

(For as iturnedd out, ELIZABETH SWAN had been KIDBNAPED by Mexican president in roder for Will smith to work for him as personal immortal assassin!)

They were then ambushed by patrol!

"DIE STINKIN MEXICANS!" panama soldier rored.

"heh," Enrique laughed as Will turner killed patorlmen with awesome fighting siklls.

"HANG ON!" Enrique cryed, with keen eye for polt holes "Your only alowed to step on dry land once evry ten YEARS!"

Will nodded and pointed at feet. "Thats why I wear boots."

Enrique scratched head with confusion "hoo wrote this shit!"

Will turner was confuzed by genre savvy and so ignored Mexican villainoyus OC and continued on to find Jack and kill him.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the palace of Mexico City…

"Where did Sparrow go?" the figure snarled.

The Mexican President gasped as long, powerful claws held his throat. He was a metre above the ground, his legs kicking and bucking.

"P-Panama!"

The tall, darkened figure snapped the President's neck and dropped his corpse.

"Piece of shit extra character…" the figure grumbled.

Guards burst into the room, levelling their rifles at the hunched creature. They gasped.

"What is that thing?" the captain of the guards asked in horror.

"Me?" the figure asked, turning to look at them with soulless eyes. "I'm an Imp. Though, as I just killed this asshole of a dictator, I suppose you could call me… _The Tyrannicidal Imp!_"

He slowly withdrew the scythe from his back. One side of the blade burned with an orange fire, while the other pulsed with a violet hue.

"And I _kill_ badfanfiction characters. From protagonists who are completely OOC, to Mary Sues, to misspelled fools, to those who present gaping plot holes, to baseless characters implemented by Deus Ex Machina, to dreaded OCs, to those especially built to troll, all the way to anyone who was afflicted by the Rouge Angles of Satan; and, above all, _I will kill __any self-insertion_."

The guards gulped.

And like the symbolic figure of who he was representing, the Tyrannicidal Imp went about the reaping.

* * *

…And by that I mean he literally reaped the harvest and made some Weetabix. The terrifying creature shared it with the terrified guards.

"Y-You're not going to kill us?" the captain of the guards asked with wonder.

"Are you in any of the above?" the Tyrannicidal Imp asked politely. "You poor sods, you're no more than grunts who a more important character is supposed to kill or beat. You don't even have names, do you?"

The guards looked about themselves and realised with horror that the Imp was correct.

"Suddenly, life doesn't seem that great," a guard muttered.

"I'm afraid so," the Imp replied. "Only the author can name you and he's too busy writing this sentence."

Eventually, over many a shared bowl of Weetabix and dish of sake, the Imp revealed exactly what the fuck was going on.

"I managed to find this piece of shit story in the old fanfiction archives," the Imp revealed. "And I quickly realised that this was a troll fic of utter depravity. Although I may not hold any loyalty to the _Pirates of the Caribbean _franchise, I knew this travesty must be destroyed. So I reposted this story on a place called and threw myself into it; to wipe it out completely from the inside."

"But…" the captain of the guards, who I'll call Bob, said, "Doesn't that mean you're a self-insertion? One of the things you're trying to destroy?"

The Imp shook his head. "I'm not the author, so I can't be a self-insertion. I simply named the profile after myself and left one of my agents in charge of filling in the rest."

"So you've got a guy writing these words as we're saying it?"

"No. I've got a guy writing a new chapter while this sentence _is being read_. Everything we've done or will do has already been decided by the author. I've just left him instructions to make sure I kill every clichéd character in this damn story."

"So… who's your agent writing this?"

"A guy I found who can at least spell correctly," the Imp sighed. "He's called 'He's Dangerous' and he writes shitty _Transformers _fanfiction. I chose him because he likes killing off characters. I thought 'Perfect!' and busted into his house, then paid him to put me into this story."

"So… you've entrusted this 'He's Dangerous' to make you kill off this story's main characters and then get you out of there pronto?"

"Exactly. The only reason we're having this conversation is for the reader's benefit; now they have an actual clue as to what's going on."

"But… what if this 'He's Dangerous' changes things?"

"…What?"

Bob elaborated. "If half of this story is someone else's fanfiction being reposted and the other half is being written about how you're going to go on a murderous rampage… do you trust 'He's Dangerous' enough that you're sure he won't change the _first half_."

The Imp chuckled nervously and scratched the back of his neck. "He wouldn't dare… after all, this is my profile!"

(Hehehe)

"What was that?" Bob cried in alarm.

"What?" the Imp asked hurriedly.

"It sounded like laughing…"

(Unbeknownst to this foolish creature, I've changed his profile picture from an awesome water-colour masterpiece of a terrifying enemy into a funny little 2-D creature I got off Google images!)

"It was probably nothing," Bob said, relieved (as I had just wiped his memory). "What were we talking about?"

The Imp shrugged. There was an awkward silence.

One of the guards broke it; "Imp, what do you think of the _Pirates _movies?"

The Imp shrugged again. "Well, the first one was okay, I mean it wasn't _Laurence of Arabia _or anything, but it was watchable. Then the next two came out…"

"I admit, those two got a bit too big for their britches!" Bob laughed, which was agreed by all the average Joes.

"And the fourth one?" the Imp laughed. "Pfft! Now _that _was bad fanfiction!"

Laughter rang throughout the hallowed halls as the author began writing the next chapter in earnest, leaving the Imp and his friends to their own devices.

"So, you're sure that your agent won't change anything about the original fanfiction until you start interfering with it personally?" Bob asked carefully.

"I wouldn't have picked him if I didn't trust him," the Imp said, although uneasily.

"Oh yeah and by the way; what exactly is the title of this story we're unfortunately in?"

"Ha!" the Imp laughed. "That was the worst thing about it; what a pretentious, caps-locked crappy title;

"JACK SPARROW IN THE SEARCH FOR SHANGRI-LA !"


End file.
